My First Love
In everyone's life there are different experiences; one of them is the first love. My first love was dazzling yet aching. Every time I go back to those memories, my eyes water and I feel like I could have done so much better. My story began six years ago, when I was only eleven. I was inexperienced and naive; I thought that there was no heart break in this world.
It was a Saturday when I first saw him. His brown caramel eyes made my heart skip a beat for I had never seen anything so breathtaking. His skin was a russet color and his hair was a shady black. That first moment when we saw each other is engraved in my head. I can still hear my heart throbbing loudly in my chest as his eyes landed on me in that small room. We stared at each other as he made his way to the seat in front of me and a smile flicked on his lips to seal that moment.
It took a year for me to talk to him; we became best friends but nothing more, nothing that I wanted. His life was mine, his thoughts were mine, he was my world and he didn't even know. Everyone said that we had something between us, he always laughed because he never notice how I shatter every time he notice someone else, but what really destroyed me was the day he broke the news that he was leaving and maybe never coming back.
Years passed and I never heard from him and because of that, feelings almost vanished along with him but there were still memories hunting me for what I once felt. Now that he is back, it is he who looks for me, it is he who begs for my lips after that one time our lips met for a first kiss, it is his heart that breaks, for I once promise myself that I would not drop another tear. As much as I want him vanish from my life again he would not go, and every time he's back I fall in to his arms becoming that delicate girl that I once was.
My love for him is like the waves in the sea, it comes and it goes. His name is now carved in my soul for he is part of who I am now. He made my cry but he also made me laugh. He was my first love and as much as I want that part of my story to end, deep inside I know that it isn't over.
I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I did.
From the very first time I talked to you, I knew there was something so “true” in this person sitting in front of me that I didn’t have to act like a higher class version of me. I could be the true me.
Others might look at our relationship and laugh at me to be so shallow when I admit 5 months and 4 times of face-to-face meetings are the evidence of real love. But they know nothing. They know nothing about my past, my journey of finding true love but in the end turned out to be the game of playing catch, so they know nothing about how I feel about you, about how you make me feel. I am the kind of person that was hurt so bad that I became love-cautious. I believe in love, but I just don’t believe I ever have the love of my life.
And I met you.
And our weirdness matches.
And I know it seems there is no chance for us to be in a relationship.
Yet I fall in love with you, unpredictably.
I always see myself as a superwoman; the one who is able to knock down all obstacles on her way to get what she wants for her career and personal life. This was the attitude I brought with me when I threw myself into our relationship. I found the solution for each difficulty between us, to bring us closer. I drowned myself in the feeling of loving you and immersed in the fantasy that finally I found my soul mate, my friend, my love of life. Why I know you are, I can’t explain, I just had an urge to scream out loud to the world: “THIS IS HIM!” and for the first time of my life, you are the person I dare to against the world to be with.For the first time, love just comes naturally without my acknowledgement. For the first time, I don’t have to pretend to be someone else but myself to care about.
But the only thing I miscalculate that makes everything mean nothing, that puts me through devastation is: You just haven’t fallen in love with me, yet.
Or maybe you do, but you scare that it will turn your life upside down. You aren’t brave enough to take the risk to follow your heart and take that one step towards me, even though I, with all of my effort, will take the rest million steps towards you. Damn all who think I was too blind.
You just want us to stay right where we are.
And I collapsed along with my fantasy.
Here I am, the fallen hero, standing on the rubble of her own dreamland looking at the skyline graving for the golden memoirs.
She knows she can’t do anything now but to keep her head up and move on. But nothing can be the same anymore; no one can be THAT PERSON anymore. But still, in her heart there is a whisper saying that future is a unfold mystery that she has to live on to find out and that maybe, just maybe, THAT PERSON will be looking for her, and her only.